A competitor was called away on an emergency from a bridge tournament, with the last board still to play. The players asked a kibitzer to take his place although he knew nothing about the game. They told him "Just bid what you've got and follow suit". He sat South and the following bidding sequence ensued:

WEST          NORTH          EAST          SOUTH

   -                    -                    -                   1♣ 

pass                2♥                 pass              2♠ 

pass                3♣                 pass             3♥ 

pass                4NT              pass             7♦ 

pass               pass              pass

South took the lead of the King of ♠  with the A, cashed the A and K of trumps, came to hand with the A of ♣  and played all his diamonds.  On the last one West was hopelessly squeezed in ♥  and ♠, and ulitmately discarded a ♥, whereupon South made the last four tricks in ♥.

When the opposition saw South's hand they called the Director, who asked for an explanation of the bidding, and got the following explanation "I was told to bid what I've got and I have one club, 2 spades, 3 hearts and 7 diamonds!"

I’m giving up bridge – tonight’s my last night!
It’s 'amen' to Stayman. I give up the fight.
The insults and muddles are giving me troubles.
I can’t sleep at night for thinking of doubles.

My cards are all rotten
And I have forgotten
Who has played what and what is trump
Whilst sitting for hours on my sore rump

So it’s all over tonight – I’m off to the backwood
I’m bidding goodbye to Gerber and Blackwood.
I can’t stand the pain,
Or getting rubbish cards again.

My partner’s a dope,
I’m losing all hope.
When opponents say “double”
I know we’re in trouble.

My points are not high,
but Partner bids up to the sky!
We’re in seven spades, I doubt if it makes
But then Partner all the tricks she does take.

The defenders feel sick
My partner’s really slick.
Then gone is my sorrow,
I’ll play tomorrow!